Monday, August 25, 2003

just came back from a moderately lengthy drive. went to savons then drove all the way to the end of miramar and got gas. driving felt really good. just hearing the engine rev while i mash the gas and feeling the acceleration was something i haven't done in a while. but i definitely have lost touch with driving. for the first time in my life, the speed limit seemed fast enough. far different from always driving 15-25mph above the speed limit and always feeling 100% in control of every bump and pebble on the road. i was kinda weaving out of lanes, having to pay a lot more attention to keeping the car centered in the lanes. i'm sure i'll get the hang of it in no time. but i'll definitely go driving more at night just to get my groove back as i get better.

on the subject, just last 2 days have been great. i finally seem to be able to wake up with no pain after the medication has worn out. it is a different story when i stand up but it's a sure sign of great improvement. life is starting to return to normal. people say that the symptoms are kinda like a roller coaster. it will be good one day, bad the next, etc. but if it isn't, i'd say i have about 2 weeks before i start making it out to the outside world. right now i'm just testing the waters. currently i cannot sit down for a long meal, or obligate myself to any social event without having the luxury to bail at any moment if the pain (caused by inflammation) sets in.

the last 3 months or so have been kinda weird. as much as i'd like to spend more time outside, i have started to not miss it as much and gotten more comfortable to staying home. and right now, if i were able to start making it out, i don't think i'd appreciate it as much as i would have appreciated it 6 months ago. i really don't know how to explain why it looks like its gonna feel this way, but if i were to return, i would expect that nothing has changed, everything would be just where i last saw it (not very exciting). still, it doesn't mean that i'm gonna pick up where i left off and not be changed in any way. not sure how it has subconsciously has affected me, but i'm going to try to appreciate more of what i have and appreciate more of all the good things that life has to offer. i'm also going to put more focus in: health (no more abusing the body one way or the other), family (put more effort in finding/meeting/developing the relationships with the right mate), career (care more and be proud of what i do to earn the $$). i wish i can subconsciously put religion as my number 1 priority but it wouldn't be an honest prioritization. and until i feel that way i know i'm just fooling myself if i put that up any higher. so until i feel that way, i'll make a concious effort in trying to prioritize that higher, but currently it's somewhere below the first three priorities. hopefully that will change.

another way that i'll be different is that my new motto will be "moderation is key". far different than "to the extreme". without cracking a vanilla ice joke, i'm saying that one of the reasons i injured myself this bad was because all the abuse i have done to my body the last 24 years has caught up with me. the 6 years of smoking, not sleeping enough sleep during jr high and high school year, sleeping the majority of my sophmore year on a couch, overstacking my pillow when i sleep, slouching all my life sitting at the computer for hours, eating beef jerky and microwave foods as my primary nutrition, not eating enough vegetables or protein until i was an adult, never getting all my vitamins or minerals, eating too much protein and no fat for an extended time, eating too much salt, sleeping flat on my back all my life, taking dangerous suppliments, going on massive food binges, going on excessive starve diets, not drinking enough water most of my life, working out too excessively, not listening to my body, never had a normal sleep schedule, etc. etc. the list goes on and on. why did i do this? well, for starters, i came from a pretty poor family who also didn't know jack about proper nutrition. second, i inherited my dad's stubborness, so whatever advice my mom gave me went in one ear and out the other. plus, i like doing things knowing i'm doing something longer, better, harder, and more excessively than anyone who has done it. all this is the why i'm lying in bed with an injury that people usually have in their 40s-60s. too late now but if i had the choice to do it all over again, i would definitely go for it. i'm surprised i didn't have a major injury sooner. all i can do is do my best from his point on to protect what i have and treat it the best way possible.

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