is it that i have too much to hide, or not much to write. oddly enough, the weather has been not been draining as i normally would find myself when its raining.



one of the most dependable is proving to be one of the very opposite. is it because of the lack of time, or just a change in priorities? or is it a message? wasn't always like this. it is still much of a downer. every time. but i'm just a fool. sometimes i just sit and wait, shutting down almost everything else. i don't wait because i've got nothing better to do. i wait because my priorities are different. (maybe shit like this is my downfall.) i usually set myself up for the obvious disappointment. not always. when its not, its golden. better than gold. like metal made out of diamonds. i dunno why. it just is. at least to me.



will it ever be realized? or will it be too late when it does? that's how these things usually go. then it will be too late. but i could just be my warped state of mind. this is only one side of the story. maybe it is me that hasn't realized the obvious. and it will break me that day. and when it does, it will be ugly. lets not forget the worse things that can happen. that will truly be a dark period. not as dark as the darkest moment in my life. but still awful enough to where i'd rather not try to dwell in the possibility.



i can't seem to change it if i wanted to. believe me. i wish i could. not because it is any less greater than what i've discoverd. but because it is probably the logical thing to do. if the whole truth was only was known, would it make a difference? probably not. but you never know with this one. can't figure out this cipher, wrapped in an enigma, covered in secret sauce.



i can't f this up just like i did with with almost every other opportunity i've had in my life by doing what i know is going to be the end of everything with no turning back (and with no possible posities outcomes.). is it a defense mechanism or am i just a sadist? this time, i'll let the smarter half of me do the right thing. which is absolutely nothing. and thats what makes it the hardest things to do.