Looking for a notebook to take to bible study today, I found some old journal entries. And I am quite disturbed on what I have just read. It was written sometime during the last week of June of 1996. Before June 27, 1996. This was, right after I graduated from my high school. And before my orientation to UCSD.

'What is the date today? My calendar is missing, and the date on my watch is wrong. Went to play pocket Korean (billiards) pool today with Richard and Austin. He's a pretty cool guy. Richard almost got into an accident today. He will get into an accident if he doesn't drive more safely. He can't drive at all I think. I hope God gives him a ticket or a small accident so he'll drive safely and not kill himself and all his passengers.



Jessica. I think she's so fine. I was really flattered when she paged and called me to ask me to the movies. And she said that she needed to know the name of some senator??? What's the probability of that being true? It can't be a school project. It might be summer schoool, but what class would this be? And what class started Monday. And she did sound like she made an excuse. Well, I hope I don't make a fool of myself when we go out (Richard, I, and Jessica). I wonder if she's bringing any friends. And I wonder if she likes me a little. She didn't call Richard with one of these senator questions. And she is the one who likes bulky (not fat) and sweet hearted guys. If she gets to know me better, maybe she'll see how sweet hearted I can be. And I think she's the one who look sfor emotional love and things like that. I would love to provide that to her. But I think we'll have communication problems even with our friendship with my inability to speak a lot of Korean. It's like 2:40 in the morning. Thursday. I have to mail in that housing thing that's due July 2.



Church people. Whenever I look at Christina, I know that she has something more to say to me than "Hi". Whenever I look into her eyes. And it was obvious how Jenny had a crush on Jung. She gets kinda quiet when she's around him. Well, certain that Christina was coming onto me that night in the van. But as dumb as I was, I let it run away from me.



Emily. She has something for me that I would almost work endless hours to get. She seems so perfect and getting to know her a little made her so beautiful in my eyes. I would probably choose her if I had such a wish. Our eyes met in class and school so many times. And it seems like her heart is trying to communicate through her eyes or something. I wish that was true. She is also the reason when getting rejected from UCLA was so painful. In my eyes, she's like an angel. Beautiful. Innocent. Loving everything. So nice. Etc. Etc. etc. How can someone be so beautiful and nice And smart. at the same time? Please excuse my run on sentence. I hope we get to meet in the future. Just meeting in the supermarket would be a dreamy expereince.



Please excuse my perversion, but I enjoyed the van ride home from Warner Springs after the 96 VBS. She sat on my hand and arm and I knew why priests and people get so tempted sometimes. I have to meet Sang's pastor tomorrow again. I'm looking forward to the experience of teaching, making money, and learing guitar with him. I hope Hana Academy goes well.



I want a used Prelude preferrably, or atleast an accord. And if not, it would have to be an almost new civic. I don't think I would want to buy and drive anything else.



I saw Night of the Scarecrow today. I wish there were more nudity and stuff. It wasn't a bad movie. Eraser wasn't bad. I don't really remember the movie Executive Decision. I guess I should go see the Rock sometime since everybody is tellihng me I should go see it. What i really wanted to see is Independence Day (No relation to Groundhogs Day) ID4 had airplanes. It's previews give me goosebumps.



I hope the orientation is cool. And maybe I should read that wilderness camp brochure. If I go, I wish I meet someone like Emily. Or someone that looks like Allison from Melrose Place or Lea Thompson. I think I should go sleep now. I'll respond to the bible verses later. It's probably like 3:30 know. Talk to you later journal."

Jessica asked me to the movies????? How come I can't seem to remember her asking me to the movies? I don't think we ever got to hang out.......WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING? I think at the time, I didn't have an ouce of interest in dating Korean girls. Jessica still is the most beautiful Korean girl I have ever met to this day. What a pity. No, it's more than that. At the time, my family was dirt poor. And her family was rich (she drove a brand new silver 95 prelude). And I had quite a bit of insecurities. The movies, if we ever went, would have never been anything more than that. Maybe that's why I had decided to erase it from memory? I'm still in disbelief. How can I just let something like this slip by me? Damn! It's too late now. Last I heard from her, she got married about 2 years back.



Christina was one of my other crushes I had while growing up. I was a dumbass because there was a point where she liked me too, and did just about everything for me to make a move, but I really didn't know how....and my defense mechanism made me just play stupid....and made me do things that would hint that I didn't really like her for some reason. And she took that as rejection. Who wouldn't eh? I'm not sure where she's at now. I think she went to Boston for College. She was a year older than me I think. I always think that I should apologize to Christina if I ever meet up with her for being such a dumbass. I did run into her brother about 6 months ago. Unfortunately I had only remembered who her brother was 10 minutes after I told him I couldn't remember who he was and said bye to him.



Emily on the other hand.......I was never sure if she liked me or not. She definitely could have but I was just lost in my own dreams about her. She was in my video project group and I thought I was getting some serious vibes from her by the end of the project. But it all goes back to my insecurities. They make me blind to these things until it is too late. I always thought she'd do something high and mighty...maybe become one of those beautiful women doctors on TV because she always amazed me with her academic achievements as well as her beauty. But I heard from a grapevine that she was taking time off of school to try an acting career? I really don't know much about her. But I was very infatuated at the time.



As you know, when I was dreaming about Honda Accords, I did eventually get an Accord about 3 years later. Pretty cool how that worked out huh? I think Sang's pastor resigned or something. It was a Lutheran church. And he was blessed to have such a great chapel. Unforutnately, what he didn't have was members. Compared to my old pastor from Korean Vision Church. Started out in his apartment, became a pastor from a JDSN, and moved onto bigger and bigger buildings after the congregation grew. And what is Night of the Scarecrow. I don't even have a vague recollection of that movie.



3 girls in my life. Sorry to say none really made any significance. Maybe it's a sign that I have found this journal entry. I wasn't going to read it because I'm fearful on finding out how immature I was when I wrote this. But maybe it's good that I did. So that I can learn from my mistakes and actually do something before it is too late. Was I the only one this slow in growing up? It awfully seems so. And I still suck at this stuff now. But always trying to improve. It has helped me see that I will not benefit from the greatest things that life had offered me so far if I don't have the guts to do anything about it.