i had a horrible nightmare before i woke up this morning. it's like one of those dreams that everyone talks about when you walk to school and you realize you're naked or something. well, that's not one of my worst fears, but these dreams generally are all about your biggest fears and insecurities. the following (what i drempt about) is my version of that dream:



i went to bed thinking...."i gotta wake up early little little amount of sleep so that i can get sophos enterprise manager installed before our exchange meeting at 1pm."



in my dream, i find myself in Gardena at my parent's place in the dining room of the Monday we're supposed to have this meeting. and it's already 1:01pm. so obviously i'm not at work. and time is already run out. and i can't even go to the meeting because i'm about 110 miles away. it looks like i have given up, or cracked under pressure and ran to somewhere i feel more secure in a general sense. my dad is there, but says nothing. he accepts my defeat under pressure, and he's there to tell me that it's okay. that might seem like a nice gesture to anyone, but it is part of my nightmare (i'll explain this in a little bit). so i call erik on my cell phone and he asks me what's going on. and i crack under pressure and can't give him a phony excuse that i'm not feeling well. so i just tell him everything. not the way i feel. but just where i am, and how i don't have an excuse not to be at the meeting other than how stress has broken me. the phone conversation ends by him saying, "we'll need to talk about this tomorrow." as i hung up, i have realized that i've eaten about 3-4 french toast/pastry just drenched in butter and covered in sugar (and maybe chocolate) and just about to eat another one before i caught myself. the sad thing is i was preparing these myself while i was on the phone, and eating these one by one. and the dream ends when i realize how i just about fucked up everything good i had going at the time.



this dream is awful for me in so many ways. the fact that i had admited defeat the first time on something as important as work is a nightmare on its own. the part of my dad telling me that it's okay that i messed up is a dagger to my heart because it's his way of saying, "i expected you to fail." i always hated that about my dad. and lastly, the food thing. what the hell was that about? i do consider nutrition my #1 priority. so it makes sense that i am that conscious about fucking it up one of these days, and eventually caving into binging on junk food. at least i don't see that happening. no reason to. and i don't even crave that kind of stuff any more. kinda ironic that nguyen just about missed the exchange meeting because he was grabbing lunch and forgot about the meeting. i also accomplished everything i was stressing about the night before with relative ease. i guess in reality, there was never anything to stress about. the exchange meeting wasn't all that important to where my job wasn't dependent on it. and i would never accidentally eat 5000 calories of simple sugars and fats without noticing.



am i that complicated or is this how everyone is?